#and i think its funny the way the universe works out sometimes and how art can find you right when you need it

[silverislander]

actually i am going to elaborate on that psychoanalyzing blorbo post from days ago lol. long story short i've been trying since abt september to kind of start getting my shit together, maybe get into some kind of club or hobby that will help me work on my anxiety, maybe do some bucket list kind of stuff i've been putting off. and then last month mom got diagnosed w breast cancer

my Consistent response to things going wrong in my life is avoidance, isolating myself and trying to repress shit, so i gave up on all of those plans immediately bc i felt like it would put strain on my family and i started trying my best to focus on literally anything else bc i have shit to do + people/a job that needs me + i really couldn't face the reality of it right away

and that news came literally days after act 1 aired. so watching caitlyn then go on to try to repress any and all of her emotions/wants in favour of trying to be the person she believes everyone around her wants her to be and seeing exactly how badly that fucks up her life. felt extremely fucking pointed let me fucking tell you

[chipchopclipclop]

i just started rewatching soul eater for the first time since i was 15 and Stein is so much more interesting to me than he was then... what are ur soul eater thoughts chip if youre willing to share

i did not experience soul eater as a wee youth, the first time i watched (and then read it) was 4 years ago (give or take) so i do not have the beautifully tinged nostalgia for the series others might. i say this only bc it colours my thoughts of the series pretty well lmao.

the anime is alot better than the manga just by virture of bones' animation being incredible but also its like 40% less painfully fucking horny (though still is its shounen) and the way some of that plot goes in the second half is so fucking bad in the manga (though not all, but god). It's not like the anime gets rid of everything like that stupid ass argument black star has with maka still makes me want to murder him but ultimately i like the anime and its writing more. i think my minds canon is just a meld of parts i like from both lol.

ohkubo is also just on my top ten list of mangaka i need to actually kill like hes a solid #3 on the needs to die list. his designs and art improvement were fun to watch and i do love halloween world and his toony stuff, undeniably bangs, but you can really tell by the end where his transformation into horny moe artist came from. sometimes i see people shocked by this and soul eater not's existence and i have to think did we read the same fucking manga...??

sorry i needed to get my bitching out before talking about stein. i love stein. so many things wrong with him. he is 70% of the reason i got around to watching it and 95% of the reason i kept reading it. i think how expressive he is is alot of his charm, like he does alot of moe body language you might not expect of his type of chara.

hes #crazy and #madscientist and #edgy and #insaneasylum but also very silly and whimsical... kind of emblematic of the world of soul eater at large actually, this is also alot of the other characters appeal in this universe too (DEATH THE KID).

he's obsessive, hes empathetic, hes also sadistic, hes got a screw in his head, megane, fun with kids, perfect man. hes also got both an equal capacity for getting worse and better in him which can be fun to think about in either direction, and you've got characters that do influence him either way for that in the series. im also kind of remembering clicking the screw in his head is to help somewhat deal with his mental state actually, king of the disability aid...(?)

you can treat his character very seriously or lightheartedly, i think the writing in both versions maintains that balance well. It also makes everyone else who actually sticks around him somewhat deranged too (the fact he did surgery on spirit at school but spirit still interacts like pretty normally at work with him after meeting again. lmfao. THEY WENT DRINKING TOO) the fact he still calls spirit senpai also is so funny. its like 40% a dig at him but also 60% genuine. i hate gay people btw.

i like the thought that he was more stoic when he was younger but as he got older stopped trying to hide his eccentricities as much, and became more expressive lol. younger stein to me is a guy screaming in his head 247 but looking like 😐 while spirit stares at him trying to decipher what his eyelid twitching today means.

[eggyeggyves]

Classes Start !

“World Academy is like… suuuuper prestigious! Everyone who goes there is either at the top of their class, or they had the money to get in! Either way, you’re surrounded by brilliance no matter which hallway you turn down!”

Hiiiiiieeeee everyone!! Welcome to my newest AU! If you couldn’t tell, it’s a College AU! I’ve been struggling recently with making art, but yesterday something clicked and I started doodling tons and tons and this was the result! Safe to say, my art block is at bay for now!! I started doodling for this AU because I wanted to tweak my art style a bit and because I just wanted a universe where lighthearted, funny things might happen! And as I drew and drew, I started thinking up more lore, more character backstories, and just having a ball thinking of all the characters’ dynamics! So, welcome to World University!

(Character bios and info below!)

Feliciano is quite brilliant in his own unique way, as Lovino knows and as Ludwig will find out. Feliciano has the amazing ability to draw what he sees photorealistically, and his brain seems to be able to break down architecture to its finest detail. His paintings are breathtaking, his skills are unmatched, no wonder he earned a scholarship! Ludwig, who was so sure of who he was, starts to question everything after returning a blueprint the elusive Feliciano had dropped. Ludwig comes from a very prestigious family, a family of winners, a family of business. So of course, he is to follow in his father’s footsteps, just like his older brother is. But… What if he… doesn’t want to do that? What if he wanted to explore other ideas, other concepts, where nothing is concrete and everything is colorful? It’s scary… not being sure… But he is sure of one thing! Feliciano is quite beautiful.

It’s a hassle to deal with his brother though! Calloused and on guard, Lovino is always there to speak up on his younger sibling’s behalf, maybe a bit too much. Lovino just gets worried, as their family does not come from money. He doesn’t need some rich assholes picking on his brother like kids did in middle and high school! Working as a model, Lovino is starting to gain attention, which means more money to support him and his brother. And he is just fine with this. He never thought this would be his profession, but he can’t deny, it is a big confidence boost!

Arthur was never a fan of his parents. They pressured the hell out of his older brothers, and then they turned their sights on him. Their pressure was harder on him though, as it wasn’t just to do well, but to do well and be “ladylike.” Safe to say, as soon as Arthur escaped to college he completely abandoned what they had taught him, finally cutting his hair, finally dressing how he wanted, finally living how he wanted to live. And when they came to visit one year, and saw the changes he had made, they were furious. One thing led to another, and Arthur lashed out, declaring that he was dropping out of college to pursue what he wanted to pursue. And he soon learned that his parents had cut him off from their funds completely, leaving him stranded in the town.

Francis is idolized around the school, mostly by other fashion students. Many have confessed their crushes to him, only to be met with a chuckle and gentle rejection. No one understands him! In the years before, he hadn’t been so reserved, flirting freely with peers and what not. But something has changed, and sometimes, people have seen him at some grungy joint where the scene is way too sketchy and the music is way too loud. After Arthur got off stage, it was Francis’ cue to follow him. He heard something curious the other day, something he wanted to ask Arthur. So, meeting him out back, Arthur scolded him for sneaking up on him. And through a game of mental chess, Francis had learned that what he heard was true; Arthur had no safe place to sleep. He decided then and there, Arthur would be going back to his dorm, even if he had to sneak him and that obnoxious guitar case in.

Kiku could relate to being pressured. It was a hassle just for his family to let him choose illustration as his major. But once he was set, he was achieving what was expected of him, he excelled. That was, until two years in he got sick. See, Kiku has a very weak immune system, it had given him issues in his childhood, and now it seemed such conditions were back to haunt him. After taking a year off, he’s been struggling to get back to the top. His anxiety has risen, his focus seems to be dwindling. Arthur helps him study, and what a kind and noble thing to do. But some days, he just needs to let off steam and go to the arcade to set a new high score on one of the many rhythm games. What he was never expecting… was to be challenged by the human embodiment of the sun.

Ivan had lived a quite solitary life until now. Even when he started college, many did not seem interested in being his friend, maybe because of his intimidating stature, or his accidentally off color comments. But when he dances, he frees his mind from any troubles, completely absorbed in the music. One would never guess from his height and build how easily he can float through the air, and it’s quite exhilarating to watch! Well, according to Yao! The ever energetic Yao met Ivan in a class they shared, and for the first time in his life, Ivan had been approached with a beaming smile and sparkling eyes. Yao was innocently curious of Ivan’s diet and workout regiment, exclaiming how cool he looked unabashedly. This made Ivan’s face red! He had never been fussed over, his sisters didn’t count!

Alfred heard all about Ivan from Yao, becoming excited at the prospects of more friends! Alfred seemed like he was the polar opposite of Ivan in the friendship regards. Almost anyone at the university could easily find themselves talking to Alfred, he was just that personable! But Alfred didn’t have many close friends. He had his twin Matthew of course, and he had Yao and Ludwig, but that was it! No one really stuck around beyond small talk. Maybe that’s why he went out of the way to climb through a forming crowd in the arcade one day to see just who had all eyes on them? He wanted attention too, you know? To say he was surprised would be an understatement. The guy his eyes landed on playing the game was like expert level good! Being the cocky guy he is, he couldn’t help but offer a challenge, even if he was sure he’d lose. That guy was just too cool! He wanted to be closer!

Matthew has struggled in school in the past. It’s not that he doesn’t understand, it’s just that he could never get the words out to explain his understanding. Oral presentations were living hell, as was socializing and trying to fit in. But with his twin brother’s help, Matthew got through high school and made his way into college. The change of pace was rough at first, often resulting in meltdowns from not comprehending what he felt he should be comprehending. His grades were excellent, and his love for nature and the arctic were always very apparent… maybe even too apparent. See, that’s what he couldn’t comprehend still; he couldn’t socialize. Alfred talked to people so easily, but Matthew struggled greatly. He knew from a child he had selective mutism, but it seemed that even when he wanted to speak, he’d choke! His palms would get clammy, he’d start collapsing in on himself. And then the dreaded day came where he had to give an oral presentation… in college. If it weren’t for his white haired peer, he surely would have gotten a bad grade. But miraculously, with Gilbert, he started finding his voice.

Gilbert does not care what his parents expect from him. He doesn’t care what anyone expects from him, well, except for maybe one person… But either way, Gilbert is a completely free spirit, doing what he wants and making his own way! He’s a class clown, often cracking jokes at the expense of the professors, but when he heard that soft little giggle cut through the crowd, his interest was definitely piqued. He attempted to speak to Matthew after that, being met with a stumbling, awkward response, which was somehow even more endearing. Gilbert learned quickly through Ludwig, who was told by Alfred, of Matthew’s past, his struggles in socialization, and his lonely habits. How could anyone not love talking to him? He had a bear fact for every conversation! What is there not to like? Gilbert was quickly becoming attached.

[sgtmickeyslaughter]

#47 (normal childhood au) + #44 (first date) for the gallavich headcanon prompts <3

Good morning Michelle! thank you for asking but NO thank yous for putting yet another AU i want to write into my brain. now this is just going to ping around up there like a pinball machine until i write it, all because of you

47. AU if they had a more normal childhood- How would they be in high school? + 44. When was the first real time they went on a date? 

So if Ian and Mickey had a normal highschool experience, I think Ian would be very academic and involved in various clubs. He loves English lit, but studies with the goal of raising his GPA and getting into a good college. He’s probably on the track/cross-country team and is generally pretty popular in the sense that people get along with him and he’s out pretty publicly among his friends and people that know him, overall kind of a goody two shoes but lets a little looser at parties.

Mickey is an art kid through and through. Dedicated enough to skating by with C’s in the classes he can’t stand (English, Spanish and science I am looking at you!) and actively engaged in math and history. He pretty much lives in the art classroom though. Definitely sneaks out at lunch to smoke weed sometimes and gets in a little trouble for tardiness and language. He’s also on the wrestling or maybe boys waterpolo team, and has the same deal where his friends know he’s gay but his circle is smaller and closer. Maybe he has an after school job at a coffee shop (an: the self projection in this is crazy btw)

They get paired up for a project together and Ian thinks Mickey is totally brilliant and so funny and talented and Mickey just thinks Ian is just the cutest thing since the invention of puppies (even though he’d never admit it) so they start hanging out at Mickey’s house a lot because his mom works late most nights, and Ian comes and does his homework at the coffee place Mickey works at, fighting off grins every time he looks up and Mickey’s already looking at him over the espresso machine.

They go to a movie for their first date a couple months into hanging out, and its mostly a formality and a way to make out in the back row the whole time, but when they stop at a dinner on the way home Ian basically sits him down with friction red lips and explains how much he likes mickey and how he thinks they should be boyfriends, officially. And Mickey, who usually thinks he’s the coolest person in the room feels very uncool as he stutters and explains that yeah, he thinks Ian is the brightest thing in the universe, they can be whatever he wants them to be. 

So they go to each others games, Mickey cheers the loudest and Ian cannot for the life of him get over how hot he thinks Mickey is on a wrestling mat. Mickey calms Ian down when SAT studying is driving him crazy and Ian cries at Mickey's AP art showcase. They go to prom together, dancing with their friends and each other and going to parties together after. 

And when their senior year rolls around people start giving them sad, knowing looks and their parents start trying to gently warn them that college might make it hard for them to be together all the time, but they’re both like, yeah no actually we’ve (Ian) planned for every contingency. They go to different colleges in the same big city, or colleges less than a couple hours away from each other and spend the rest of their lives telling people that they’re highschool sweethearts. 

i had a very unusual highschool experience and sometimes it shows. hopefully this is not one of those times, thanks again for asking

headcanon ask

[chaifootsteps]

You know how i cope with the fact that Helluva Boss is "wasted potential: the show"? By gaslighting myself into tinking thats not an actual cartoon, but a fanfic of one better adult cartoon from another universe:

In some other paralel universe, there is an aclaimed adult Cartoon that aired in adult swim from the early 2000's, called "Helluva Job", wich follows the wacky adventures or 4 demons, all very different in personalities and have a hard time working together, triying to get out of their miserable life as the lowest class of demons in hell by working on killing humans in exchange of money from those who commision them those murders.

Every episode its about them trying to get their new target, a premise thats kinda repetitive but the show manages to make it fresh avaery episode with its creativity.

It had a wacky absurd humor that doesnt take itself seriously, sometimes based on very silly and cartoony things happening to the protagonists, it also had a very, VERY dark humor that would make kinda fucked out jokes about taboo themes (kinda like drawn together), wich made many people belive that the show "didnt age well" despite still being hilarous. It also had some sexual humor, but it was very limited and always with clever jokes that arent just the characters screaming the names of genitals.

Robo-Fizz, The Cherubs and Verosika are some of the recurring villains that where remembered for having neat designs very charismatic personalities. Even the people that never saw the show know them and loves them.

The show was also know for having a lot of criticism of capitalism and rich people hidden behind clever dark humor, that didnt distract from the sillines of its show.

Stolas is just a recurring joke of "that one creepy old man Blitzo sleep with because he is rich and has to do it to keep his job", he never gets more than 4 minutes on screen and its always him being an steriotypical rich asshole who abuses his power and makes gross comments to Blitzo (and he is very classist and racist). Stella is just the woman thats married to him and she tries to be a decent wife, but she is clearly annoyed with him and clearly she just waiting for him to ask divorce.

Stolas also dies in the finale of the show when a metor falls over him, Blitzo celebrates this in the most childish and exagerated (but also extremely funny) way possible.

The art style was like a combination between Clone High and Dexter's laboratory, with the use of exagerated shapes to form its cgaracters. And the animation was just decent, but its praised over the character designs, wich are simple yet efective and creative

The show got 2 seasons and those were enough, it was remembered as one of the darkerst yet funniest cartoons that ever aired on adult swim, and how people still rewatching it years later.

Meanwhile, Vivziepop is some popular artist in the fandom of that show thats know because, for some reason, she got obsessed with Stolas fucking Blitzo, and she insist that their relationship is the most beautiful thing ever, and hates Stella for some headcanons she created about her.

She wrote the know fanfic "Helluva Boss" wich is basically her mischaracterising every character into becoming this really boring, flavourless version of themselves and get reducted to one aspect of their personality. And her trying to gaslight us into thinking that Blitzo and Stola's relationship was some misunderstood tragic wholesome romance, because "Stolas actually loved him!". Almost everyone in the fandom makes fun of this fanfic.

Extremely valid, Anon. To get by in this bitch of a world, sometimes you've just got to gaslight yourself a little.

[utilitycaster]

you getting push back on that post is crazy to me isn't it enough to watch and get invested in something for what it is currently rather than what it will be? I have so many unfinished projects in my own life it'd be crazy to demand polished completion from everything I watch/read. my unfinished sketches and embroidery and abandoned dnd campaigns still brought joy and growth without having a polished thing to present at the end

So what's funny to me is like. I have referenced this before here and elsewhere but like, as a child, I was SO bad at ambiguous and sad endings and my mother was like, not unkind about this, but neither did she coddle it, and I think that laid a groundwork that was really necessary.

My tags, which got lost bc I did NOT expect that post to break containment, do actually touch on how Netflix and other streaming services canceling things to avoid paying people a fair wage fucking suck but yeah here's a list of creative endeavors I participated in or watched/listened to/read that do not as of this posting have endings and I still liked, and many of them aren't even directly attributable to capitalism because this is just a fact of life and art.

As mentioned, both A Song of Ice and Fire and the Kingkiller Chronicles.

Multiple D&D campaigns for sure (I actually don't make D&D characters without a game in mind and find it weird that people do and so I'm like why am I the one arguing for the beauty of the incomplete).

Multiple fics, both mine and others.

King Falls AM, a podcast I binged in like 2018-2019 and despite being a mystery never actually completed bc the creators couldn't agree.

I think Battlestar Galactica 2003 is one of the most brilliant shows of its era and also the finale, which happened when the creators intended it to, is really dumb, and that doesn't undo the fact that I loved everything else.

How I Met Your Mother ends really poorly in a way that arguably undercuts the whole series, but like, I still liked that too.

Ditto for Chuck, which also struggles in that it was on the chopping block most seasons so they kept ending in ways that probably weren't true to whatever the original vision may have been.

I saw Firefly on DVD after it had already been canceled, I think Serenity is good but I don't love all the choices, and Joss Whedon has since been revealed to be a dick but like, I enjoyed myself greatly while watching it.

As mentioned, Heroes. I didn't watch much TV until my teens anyway because we didn't have cable and our reception sucked and we were very much a book household, and this was one of the first series I recall watching from season 1 and it's also the first TV series where I was like yeah I don't care anymore, and it went on for 4 seasons and I think I gave up either late S2 or early S3.

I didn't watch Supernatural, Game of Thrones, nor Grey's Anatomy but all of those are famous for outstaying their welcome, sometimes it's better to burn out than fade away, etc.

I had already long outgrown Harry Potter and started to see its limitations by the time Rowling's transphobia became public but like, now it's not something I would ever recommend to my friends' kids or anything, and that doesn't undo the fact that I did greatly enjoy it as a child and teenager; it was indirectly the reason why I was introduced to the superior fantasy of Diana Wynne Jones, which I do still reread from time to time. (I think the "well I never liked it" mentality about works from artists who end up being terrible people is tied into the "I can't get invested in anything that might end in an unsatisfying manner." Tumblr University's media studies grads are not the brightest stars in the firmament, that's for sure.)

Like, cancellation (let alone cancellation specifically because of the unique shittiness of streaming services) is just one of the many reason things might end in a way you dislike or become difficult for you to enjoy at a later date, and that's just talking about television. Are you really going to deny yourself the joy of anticipation and watching a story unfold in real-time because the thought of something not satisfying you at every single turn is so unfathomable?

(oh, and because this is, as we know, a CR blog much of the time, I should add that this mentality is really pervasive which is wild because your average 3-season canceled Netflix show is probably the equivalent of maybe 9-10 CR episodes; thinking about how many people who now claim C2 is terrible watched 141 episodes and also the person who is iconic to me who unironically asked me what the point was in getting invested in characters who will die re: Chetney)

[machiroads]

Fic Year in Review 2024!

Not the most productive year writing-wise, but here's a snapshot of what did go out the door!

NEW FIC

waiting on the seasons to change, waiting for the curtain to fall

The fic I wrote when I actually should have been writing my zine fic. Probably for the best that it's not in the zine because it ended up being pretty dark!

Sometimes you get possessed by an idea and write 12k of the most batshit worldbuilding

I love urban fantasy, the FFXII AU also somewhat counts as urban fantasy and I really want to get back onto that one at some point

Consistent with the theme of the fic, I inadvertently prophesized Taisho-era Aizawa in official art, and while I did not imagine him having a hat he still looks bangin

When the Battle's Lost and Won

Part 3 of Lullabies for Insomniacs (aka the Nine Lives Extended Universe)

I genuinely did not expect Kuroboro to die in the finale so I had to rewrite LITERALLY EVERYTHING I had drafted

It was originally going to be a 4-parter with rotating perspective (Aizawa > Mic > Shirakumo > Aizawa) (Moon > Sun > Cloud > Stars) but on the rewrite it just made sense to go back to Aizawa's perspective only.

Still trucking through this into 2025, I had hoped to get this one out faster but Life Happens. I made a big post about it. We'll see if work gets any less stupid into the new year (not optimistic but eh)

Overcooked

Gets an honourable mention because I did finish it, it's just not publicly available yet

This is my erasermic zine fic, and I sure as shit hope you all get to see it in 2025 but production is. slow. No comment.

The boys go to a cooking class for kids. It's cute.

MORE ART

I am still flabbergasted that people make art of my fics, and I have been blessed with two new beautiful pieces this year:

From the wonderful @obsessed-dragon, the boys taking a snooze at the end of the Fortuneteller AU

BlackSpiderEyes also spruced up their art from the MerPirates AU

I KNOW YOU LIKE STATS

This chart is still in comic sans because I think it's funny

I wrote a blurb about this in last year's post, but TL;DR the bookmark-to-kudos ratio is my metric of how many people loved a fic vs how many people just liked it.

9L is still lapping the rest of the pack, and also was still pretty well-read this year! That's a long-ass line between the 2023 and 2024 kudos datapoints. Was it S7? Was it the manga finale? Some secret third thing? I shant speculate but I do have to hand it to myself: it is still, 2 years later, The big damn Eraserhead recovery fic.

Nutstang's bookmarks:kudos ratio decreased this year, but it's still firmly in "cult classic" territory, with the 3rd highest ratio of all my fic

Legitimately surprised to see the Fortuneteller AU's ratio so high (0.39), which is noticeably higher than 9L's ratio even (0.32). It's middling as far as kudos goes (it is an Extremely Specific AU after all), but for those that did like it enough to leave a kudos, almost 40% loved it enough to bookmark.

WTBL&W is trending middle of the pack right now, though it's still very much in progress. When 9L finished, it got a pretty noticeable bump because sometimes people don't like reading WIPs! It's also billed explicitly as a sequel, so that might also be deterring some folks, but I cannot possibly divorce the two. IT IS WHAT IT IS.

STILL COOKING

I WILL FINISH LULLABIES FOR INSOMNIACS IN 2025 she says. There are maybe 2 chapters left of L&W (though they will be Large Boys), and then Kintsugi which is kind of partially written? It seems like an achievable goal, though when I started posting L&W over the summer, finishing that before the end of 2024 seemed achievable and we are still trucking our way through chapter 4 of 5ish, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I am forking The Way of the House Hero off into its own miniseries because it's techincally? canon divergent now so who tf knows about that one

The Pilot/ATC AU and the FFXII AU are still on the backburner but they still hold a special place in my heart

ANYWAYS

Thanks for reading my self-indulgent nonsense. I hope to continue creating more self-indulgent nonsense next year.

[mx-piggy]

It’s the Muppet Show with our very special guest star Cecil! (or, the post about my Muppet OC, Cecil)

DISCLAIMER: I am not an artist. That said, I think my drawings are neat and I like them, despite the low quality.

To find out more about Cecil, keep reading! And, if you’re interested in learning any other facts about Cecil that aren’t listed, ask away, and I’d be happy to answer!

Cecil is the Muppet Show’s resident poet, thespian, playwright and director. 

As part of their act, they read out poetry or put on their own renditions of famous theatrical scenes (as an actor, playwright and/or director) often involving their fellow castmates and the celebrity guest stars. Sometimes, their act would be a condensed summary of a famous piece of literature, acted out by their fellow castmates and/or the celebrity guest star, and narrated by Cecil themself. Unfortunately, their monotone voice and direction ruins their productions. Cecil will accidentally instruct their performers to read several of their lines in the same monotonous way as them.

Their most notable traits are their lack of discernible emotion, their tendency to say profound things and their fascination with the macabre, which often disturbs Kermit and their other Muppet castmates to no end. Although their monotony can be misconstrued as apathy, they do care about their work and their friends (their closest friend being Scooter), so much so that they will endanger themself for both with little reservation. In the past, they sacrificed their dignity in order to bring joy to others, which carries over into their loyalty to their friends. A more subtle trait of theirs is their quick-wittedness. As they often look and sound deceptively melancholy and are known for their serious drama productions and bleak poetry performances, people tend to forget that Cecil is actually knowledgeable about comedy.

Before being cast in the Muppet Show, Cecil used to be a successful clown- hence their vibrant hair and their irreversibly pinkened nose. They come from a large family of successful clowns (all of whom share a small car). Whilst majoring in clown studies at Chuck L. Honks University (and minoring in stand-up comedy), they dated a girl from a nearby liberal arts college, who introduced them to literature and the theatre. Unfortunately, this girlfriend broke up with Cecil because she believed that Cecil hid themself behind a shield of humour and that they were incapable of being serious. They could only yearn from afar for this high brow life that they had only just gotten a taste of, and went on to graduate as the valedictorian; their speech was met with raucous laughter and thunderous applause.

They found working as a clown to be demeaning and cheap, despite the joy they brought to others. This caused conflict for Cecil, who didn’t want to rob the world of laughter. Upon realising how truly unfulfilling being a clown truly was for them, they decided to become involved in what they perceived as more meaningful art, much to the disappointment of their parents.

Initially, Cecil tried to find a happy medium between comedy and their desire to be a writer, so they created a sitcom called ‘A Funny Bunch’, which followed the wacky misadventures of a normal teenager and his all-clown family (sounds familiar, right?). The show was known for its ability to be simultaneously hilarious and its uncompromising tackling of serious issues that was groundbreaking for the time. Cecil wrote every episode of the award-winning first three seasons, and it was on the set of the show that they met Scooter, an intern who had been hired at the behest of executive producer J.P. Grosse. After Cecil left to pursue other projects, the show went on for four more seasons, which fans claimed was when the show saw a sharp drop in quality due to the absence of Cecil as the writer. Cecil is still very proud of the sitcom, despite pursuing more ‘serious’ creative endeavours.

Their debut poetry collection was met with critical acclaim, though their directorial debut- a stage production of A Streetcar Named Desire, starring Miss Piggy as Blanche du Bois- was panned for ‘the wooden acting of its lacklustre cast’. Thankfully, their acting debut as Ophelia was referred to as ‘not the worst part’ of a particularly disastrous production of Hamlet. Not long after the release of their short story collection, Cecil was cast in the Muppet Show, which allowed them to gain confidence as an actor and director.

Although Cecil became more immersed in projects they perceived as more meaningful than clownery, they have frequently referenced their past as a clown. On rare occasions, they have also been known to temporarily come out of retirement as a clown on the Muppet Show- typically to save Fozzy’s stand-up acts- much to the delight of the audience.

Following the Muppet Show, Cecil worked as a writer, particularly as a poet, playwright and screenwriter. They lost confidence in acting and directing after a particularly scathing review of their production of the Crucible, which they directed and starred in. Additionally, they dated Janice for a while. They travelled with the Electric Mayhem on tour for around a year, allowing them to work on their writing projects. Cecil got to see Janice and the band’s success first-hand, and as their own dwindled, Cecil concluded that Janice would be better off without them, especially after Janice expressed concern about their ‘like, totally negative energy’. So, they left without telling her and the band, and went back to living with Scooter.

When the Muppets reunited to save the Muppet Theatre, Cecil was finally convinced to return to acting and directing. They put on their favourite scene from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (despite Kermit’s reservations). They also read Frost’s Nothing Gold Can Stay and Tennyson’s In Memoriam A.H.H., despite the fact that the poems are highly depressing and  heavily implied that the Muppets are past their prime, if not deceased. The latter poem was particularly in reference to their breakup with Janice, who got back together with Cecil in the end.

As of 2015, Cecil is a writer and occasional performer for Up Late With Miss Piggy. They once appeared as a guest on the show whilst promoting their memoirs and the release of their upcoming film which they wrote, co-written and directed by Charlie Kaufman. During this period, the Electric Mayhem helped compose Cecil’s first ever song.

Cecil has learned to embrace their gift for comedy, so now writes for many well-received comedy-drama series, and they have even written a couple of comedy-horror films that are all critically acclaimed (such as the one referenced below).

Cecil’s best friend is Scooter. They became friends years before the Muppet Show, when Scooter worked as an intern on the set of Cecil’s sitcom. They are on-and-off roommates, but their friendship is constant. The pair of them are highly loyal to one another and always try to help each other out with things. Scooter will always give Cecil feedback on their work when they ask and will always buy a copy of their books (adorably, he also asks them to sign them). Meanwhile, Cecil will always speak up for Scooter when he needs someone to. All in all, they care deeply about one another.

Despite the fact that he’s often unnerved by them, Kermit appreciates Cecil. Even if they’re not much of an actor, and their direction leads to their actors speaking in monotone voices, Cecil will often deliver an oddly touching poem that will bring a tear to his eye. He also recognises their writing talent, and will always buy their latest book. Not only does he find them to be an asset to the show, but he also finds them to be helpful and insightful, and a really good friend.

Miss Piggy and Cecil are not close friends, but Cecil tends to direct her in their scenes, and will sometimes even act alongside her. Miss Piggy doesn’t care much for Cecil in the same way that she doesn’t care much for anyone, but she’ll always tolerate Cecil because they’re always eager to feature Miss Piggy in their productions. In fact, Miss Piggy starred as Blanche du Bois in Cecil’s production of A Streetcar Named Desire. Ever since then, she has held a grudge against Cecil for tarnishing her reputation like that. Miss Piggy often ends up expressing fury towards Cecil when they’re directing her or acting alongside her, because their monotonous voice and direction often undermine/ruin her own performances. One time, Cecil ended up asking Kermit to cancel their performance segment because Miss Piggy’s acting was ‘too wooden’. Miss Piggy proceeded to chase Cecil around the theatre in a blind rage for the entire episode.

Another frequent actor in Cecil’s performances is Gonzo. Most notably, he played the eponymous Raven in Cecil’s reading/performance of Edgar Allan Poe’s the Raven, in which Cecil took on the role as the unnamed Narrator (a painting of Janice, or ‘Lenore’, also appeared in the sketch). Gonzo and Cecil get along well as fellow weirdos. Cecil is willing to help Gonzo out with his stunts in any way they can, though they care about Gonzo’s safety enough to attempt to deter him from doing something too dangerous. Gonzo’s never read any of Cecil’s books, but he thinks their shows and movies are ‘pretty darn cool’, and he will excitedly rave to them about how much he enjoys them.

Cecil became friends with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem during the Muppet Show, but was a fan of theirs long before then. They own a sizable collection of Electric Mayhem t-shirts. Of all the band, they are closest with Janice, Dr. Teeth and Floyd, and the latter two view Cecil as their ‘freaky little dude’. Dr. Teeth bonded with Cecil over their complicated family dynamics. Floyd has taught Cecil how to play the bass, though they’re not as good a bassist as him. Lips thinks that Cecil is cool and they get along just fine, and Zoot definitely has a few photos of them from Cecil’s time on the road with the Mayhem. Animal probably likes them well-enough, too, though it’s unclear. It was well known to everyone but Janice- and likely the rest of the Mayhem- that Cecil had a crush on Janice, something they expressed throughout the Muppet Show via love poetry that Janice had no idea was about her. Though, Janice would always compliment Cecil on their performances regardless. Their romantic history has been previously stated, so I won’t re-iterate it. Now that they are back together, Cecil finds themself a part of the Electric Mayhem’s polycule. 

[emeritus-fuckers]

hello i was wondering if i could participate in the match up event?

I am afab and nb, I use any pronouns :) I'm cool with being any gender or being with any gender neither matters much to me

I lov the ghouls and their silly little shenanigans :)

I'm pretty feminine looking, I'm 5'1 and I'm built like a comic book male superhero like broad chest and shoulders but a straight line from the ribs down like a upside down dorito w legs

I'm asian so my eyes and hair are dark, my hair's like a shoulder-length wolf cut ish thing... idk I just hack at it. sometimes I wear glasses, but sometimes I just feel like being blind. When I get dressed I pretend like im dressing up in a fun little costume so my day is more whimsical and silly my go-to is like sailor uranus prince-type girl crush but a wizard or a wizard who is going on an epic expedition to recover lost artifacts but no matter the outfit the key is that I look like I'm secretly a merlin-style cartoonishly evil wizard. So i guess maybe like goth grunge academia something something pinterest buzzword Oh and I have major rbf, and it makes ppl scared of me

I'm an introverted person and I tend to be very logical but. I think different from a lot of ppl apparently. I've been described, to paraphrase, as "sort of ominous and mysterious but actually funny", "uncanny and unsettling in a good way", and "awkward and weird but its endearing" which just sound like insults. I like to live in my head and make silly stories and things to play with. Like every tumblr user I've got fucked up mental health and bad parents so I am kind of like one of those freaky ass chihuahuas that is always scared and shakes and bites people and has digestive issues. I tend to be hard to read or sort of deadpan so I like fucking w people since they can't tell if I'm joking bc i love mischeif and japes. I want to be a silly not-quite-supervillain like Dr doofinshmirtz or like a trickster archetype sort yk

I was a pretty intense synchronized swimmer for like 9 years I competed at like opens and nationals and all that when I was in school but my university doesn't have :( I'm on the rowing team now but I would rather do synchro esp since being my main thing was being flexible and it has no advantages in rowing lmaooo I've been a huge vocaloid fan since elementary school so I've been around in that community for a while (I am so well-adjusted). I like to make vocal synth covers and draw, especially when I'm able to work with producers to provide art for their vids it's so cool hehehehhe I mostly listen to vocaloid music but I like a lot of metal stuff as well that's how I found out abt gonst. I also like 2 play video gamez, I'm so fucking bad at them but I think it's rly funny so I just spend hours giggling and watching myself get mauled over and over.

I love horror a lot but I'm less a slasher girlie and more of a supernatural psychological tormet girlie esp if its got mythology or religions shit involved. Im majoring in history bc all good history ppl like silly metal and I wrote this instead of my abstract that's due in like an hour bc I have no idea what to do for the topic 🥲🥲

- the fuckin wizard

This post is part of the 1000 followers match up event. Entries for the event are now closed.

Your match is... Zephyr

They like listening to you talk about your major and interests. He's a very good listener.

While they might not be the best swimmer, they enjoy the activity and if you want to show off, they'll absolutely let you and be super proud.

He doesn't mind how unique your style is. He probably wouldn't really try to match clothes with you, but they'd try their best to buy you stuff you'd enjoy.

Since he doesn't really walk much, they picked up drawing and started doing it with you. They're surprisingly good at it for someone who just randomly said "I'm bored, maybe I should start drawing".

Also, horror movie date nights! They're also much more of a psychological horror person, but his favorite is of course the paranormal (he finds it hilarious) so you two take turns picking the movies.

Video game dates included, too. He's got a PS3 and the first three Uncharted games, as well as some others. Their favorite is Uncharted 3.

He'll insist you wear your glasses. He knows the consequences of ignoring his health. It's not fun.

~

Written by Nosferatu with the help of the wonderful and of @ask-zephyr-ghoul (ilysm pookie).

[eclipsecrowned]

hc: evi & the lopen, perhaps.. // @nectaric

For some overlap with my chosen FC, I actually write Evi as not being wholly Riran! She has a Shin grandfather hidden back on the family tree. She has never brought this up since fleeing East, because she doesn't need to deal with that while already handling Alethi xenophobia. Was mildly afraid that her children would give it away and be crem-sized --

Evi is a creative! I don't know if she registers herself as such, but she does have some artistic pursuits. She picked up a knack for storytelling when she was traveling, which we later see her carry on with Ren. She also likes to paint, but prefers landscapes to portrait work. She sees storytelling as something collaborative with her audience, and her painting as collaboration with the earth and the forces that occupy it. She fears describing it as 'art' properly somehow solemnizes acts she takes plain joy in.

She dealt with depression on and off throughout her life. From fleeing her homeland in the night to the very end of her story, she's been dealt a hard hand the whole way through. Evi has her own personal fixes for when she feels herself going 'away,' long walks, time with her boys when she can handle it, her hobbies, but sometimes it still presses against the surface of her stillwater facade. It spiked most noticeably after her eldest was born, as the one two punch of 'my son will never know my half of his heritage' and 'my husband is leaving me alone again,' to a point she struggled to function and others took note.

Evi truly wanted a daughter, someone to be gentle to, someone the ways of war and conquest could not take from her. Evi never would have forgiven herself if she had given birth to a daughter. She never wanted to bring anyone into the back-biting society that made her feel so small, to raise her treasure to hide her hand and her desires and her truths.

Ialai lied. Evi was not some wanton, exotic scandal waiting to swallow her betrothed whole. However, she did think the safehand thing was a little funny, and delighted in teasing her husband with it. Before the boys were born, she'd sometimes freehand in their private chambers, and laugh at how she could fluster the man all others feared. She had to laugh. She had to see him as something else to cope, and he was so easily ruled by the mere glimpse of skin that to her still seemed so innocent.

It has been a minute since I read through the scene where the Lopen's family is all together, but I like to imagine he just has a ton of sisters. I don't know if he's an only son, but he's definitely outnumbered. I also think he's the baby of his family, which helped him get so smug and bold in life.

Spent a bit of time in his childhood being 'The Man of The House' whenever his father went out looking for work. Depending on the state of his Alethkar, work for immigrants could be in short supply. So clearly all his older cousins should listen to him, on account of his being so mature and important.

I think the lost his arm/made a slave plotlines actually overlap. 'Being Annoying' is an explanation for why his people wanted him gone, but would not be a valid enough reason for him to get the boot from superiors, unless the xenophobia in-universe is way darker than what is depicted on page. Between his immediate family being well established in the Camp as well as the estimate of his slave brands age, I think he was one of those teenage boys trying to make something of himself in war and got eaten alive, whether as a soldier or in some support role. Got injured. Survived, but not with his arm intact. See, now he's annoying and no longer able-bodied. It's the perfect storm for his squad to turn on him and literally sell him upriver a few years prior to canon -- and for the loss to be recent enough he hasn't internalized his status as an amputee.

Smarter emotionally than he -- or anyone -- gives him credit for. Can be short-sighted about his own behavior and its impact, but is particularly adroit about other people. He has a knack for coming around and helping Ax's Kal, for instance, or getting Pupper's Szeth to actually let down at least one wall. He recognizes there's men from the original crew that need to confront and work through their lingering feelings towards Gaz to keep the peace between respective Orders in he future.

Most likely to turn to locker room talk. Not in the sense of degradation or reducing someone to what he finds attractive, but more 'I have no filter and I'm about to educate you naco.' At present his record is giving one of my OCs a thorough understanding of techniques when on weapon maintenance duty and having sent Ax's Kal zooming off in mortification in separate incidents --

[brisquad-unit-4402]

AHHH OMG 4402 I JUST READ THE FIC YOU JUST WROTE AND IT WAS AMAZING ❤️❤️

I’M LITERALLY GONNA RE READ IT EVERYDAY ITS SO GOOD 🥲💕

Also I’m gonna be honest I kinda forgot about the request I made since it’s been awhile but when I saw this omg it was so worth the wait! You’re amazing 4402 <3

-🖋️

ah thanks 🖋! super glad you enjoyed it. it’s been a long time coming i’m sorry it took so long you forgot LMAOOOO

real talk sending asks on anon is so hard. you lose track of what you sent so easily. i almost wish this was a main blog just so i could say hey without inserting my full url at the end like a dork

anyways.

this fic was such a Project with a capital P that there were so many scenes and little bits i thought of writing, but eventually scrapped for brevity even though we all know that’s not my strong suit. here’s a list of some of my notes under the read more because of spoilers, most of them are more recent because they’re fresher in my memory lol.

for clarity’s sake here’s how i hc it when i write about these characters being vtubers: the models on screen are a more polished or stylized lookalike of the person behind the screen, but without some of the details of the real person. so basically while vtuber!ike looks like how we all know him, the ike you interact with during the off-collab also has blue-tipped hair and gold earrings that match his glasses chain, but doesn’t wear the same thing daily, shows a full range of emotion, and has, ya kno, pores and freckles and all that instead of anime skin. they’re identical but in different art styles lol. (obligatory disclaimer that i’ve always written for the characters and not the real people working for nijisanji, and that we do not encourage unhealthy parasocial relationships here)

i wanted to hone in on the friends-to-lovers dynamic as much as possible by establishing friend moments before the actual meat of the romance during the off-collab. same with establishing pen and paper as a common in-universe ship. i’m a believer that including these scenes only strengthens the dynamic between mc and li, even if they aren’t necessarily about them interacting!

in the same way i wanted to establish the comfort of being in love with your best friend just as much as the worry. the outlast scene is really tense but i wanted to write it so the dialogue there could apply to anyone comparing themselves to others. same with the last two scenes. one of the elements i love most in hurt/comfort is that they can be like little affirmations even when the reader is completely different from the insert. reader and ike have a million different insecurities about themselves but they rarely see what the other is so worried about because it’s just another part to love. and when they do see it, they’re still there for each other even if it’s as simple as a weird photo or as big as pining

while we’re at it SHOUT OUT TO AIA, MIKA AND ALBAN FOR BEING THE REALEST MFS EVER i loved writing those three interacting with reader. they’re so funny sometimes. and when they’re not, they also serve as great sober advice. they all have different ways of getting you there—aia is the “soft” one but encourages you to get out of your comfort zone when she sees an easy way in and out, alban is the one that tells it to you straight and gives godly advice because of it, and because she’s close with both you and ike, mika does a lot of work behind the scenes encouraging you both. but at the end of the day no matter what your love life looks like, those three are there asap if you need them, regardless if they’re online or in-person

in the meanwhile vox, nina, and mika serve as ike’s close circle of friends and i think that’s beautiful lmao. i didn’t make those four’s relationship that explicit but i like to think of it as a family dynamic of sorts. vox and nina are the patient parent figures while mika is a younger sister type, and all of them also hype ike up like how aia, mika and alban hype you up

and speaking of vox i wanted to include him referring to ike as his work husband, and maybe a more serious one-on-one advice/shovel talk with reader about ike. this was one of those things that was tricky to place in the order of scenes, so it was eventually scrapped

honestly i think this fic is more about the power of friendship than the power of love lmao. it’s a love letter to friends that would drop everything for you regardless if they see you romantically or not, just as well to friends that want you to get every bit of happiness you deserve

you can probably tell how much of this fic is ruled by close friendships down to the kiss scene. reader is pretty clumsy with their feelings, and ike is even worse (though reader never notices because they’re so worried about themselves). i have this hc that for his first kisses, ike would always ask before he goes in, but if it weren’t for that this would’ve been one of those mutual go-for-it wordless kisses, you know what i mean? where everything feels right and even righter when you realize the other person is also leaning in

ESPECIALLY WHEN READER BUMPS IKE’S GLASSESSSSSSSS one of my favorite things in fic is when it’s not always picture perfect and people mess up! and then roll with it! things happen irl including being clumsy but those things tend to be the parts that make things special. i said what i said about reader and ike always being there for each other even when they’re insecure and i meant it. especially because the happiness is so contagious that reader smiles before kissing back and how they both take a laugh break before kissing even more

ren’s ukulele is also a personal touch. it’s not a very grand feeling to just zone out with your friends while one of them plays music, but it is one that i hope everyone experiences once. it really is comfortable, and if you have a friend that’s a bit of a smartass like ren? it gets funny too

when this fic was in development around early april if i remember correctly, ren did a karaoke stream with iris, which was the moment i realized that was the perfect song to describe the fic. i mention a bunch of other songs but iris is the “theme song”. it’s romantic and pretty and intimate, but with an ukulele and nina casually singing along, it fits the comfortable vibe well

wannabe by the spice girls was chosen for the recognizable goofy factor alone. i mentioned motionless in white, my first story and spiritbox mostly because i’ve heard ike mention them before on stream, but spiritbox gets a special shoutout here because i’m pretty sure they’re one of the only ike band recommendations i actually like (talluh too if you include the two songs i’ve listened to). toxicity gets mentioned because, uh… i was watching gavis bettel’s birthday karaoke when that happened and he was too blasted to do system of a down but that just stuck with me. i also have to admit i never actually listened to the emo holy trinity and only knew one mcr song from guitar hero but luckily it’s recognizable and it’s in a wide enough range that i think most people could sing it. ahhh i wish writing lyrics in fic wasn’t so clunky! i have such a picture in my mind of how reader and ike would sing the breakdown and onward

vox singing george strait is pure self-indulgence and i am begging us all to imagine handsome from the cowboy asmr singing christmas cookies. i have been thinking about this since october 2022

the final bonus scene is a neat bow to explain the important parts of the off-collab as well as ike’s real feelings. after all, the fic was written with limited pov and one of the major sources of tension is that ike’s feelings aren’t explicitly stated until the second confession (and the high-stress q&a stream). i wanted it to be so reflective and fond that it feels like a victory lap, and reaffirm what reader and ike’s relationship actually means to him even though he struggles with articulating it out loud

that final scene also had the most ideas that ended up scrapped. this includes but is not limited to: ike telling chat about the cafe with reader but without admitting it was a date, alban teasing ike in the chat, reader teasing ike in the chat, confirming that uki and ren going cafe-hopping was actually so they could playfully gossip about the sexual tension in this airbnb, actual descriptions of the photos reader took, confirming that ike or reader stole the other’s shirt (ike is a smaller guy so i wanted to keep it ambiguous for any reader body types), redirecting to reader’s stream, ike and alban actually talking about why alban knows so much (and him giving ike a shovel talk), and maybe most tragic of all; a forum-style text post scene where the delulu fans get it right for once and guess that reader and ike are in a secret relationship

i might write the delulu fan forum fic one day for fun but if i do then i’m going to call this little series “the pliskinverse” unironically and im that is not a fate i want to impose upon anyone

the word ~ verisimilitude ~ recently entered my vocabulary from a review of the candle cove creepypasta. it basically means when fiction seems authentic, like how a kind character would have polite manners or how an evil villain would laugh completely different than the hero. you could say an ooc fanfic would lack verisimilitude for example. anyways i bring this up because that creepypasta is formatted like a forum thread with distinct personalities between the posters... just like how i wanted the chatters to come across! i don't think it's subtle but i did write them all with different personalities and interests in mind. maybe for fun you can look through them and figure out what team they all play for, even though i'm awful at coming up with fake usernames

it’s really obvious that one of my favorite tropes is shovel talks isn’t it

[apple-spider-vinegar]

Is there any overly specific topic you’d like to ramble about right now. I am giving you an opening.

What if I said Octogoblin, would everybody unfollow?

I'm just teasing you.

But yes! There are many ideas I have been turning over lately. Let's see... there's a minor expansion on the idea of Harry painting portraits of his loved ones. There's the one about the gremlin-ification of the Green Goblin within more recent fanon. Or my severely mixed feelings on No Way Home and how the potential was there to do something cool and narratively compelling, but I don't think the MCU writers actually thought about what they were doing/the implications this plot would have on the other universes.

That one goes hand in hand with my thoughts on Norman Osborn Redemption Arcs and how I, a certified Norman Osborn Enjoyer, feel they should be done (read: not in the way No Way Home did it) which also circles back to the gremlin-ification of the Green Goblin because I don't like to see my favorite Spidey villain decontextualized, misunderstood and woobified. (Not to say we can't joke around or we always have to take things 100% seriously in fandom, I've reblogged plenty of Gobby memes, it's a very specific fandom phenomenon that happened to work its way into the fandom's depictions of this villain, seemingly after No Way Home came out. I wasn't deep into the fandom at that time, so I didn't experience the beginning, but MAN did I catch up on the backlog at the beginning of this year).

Regrettably, I'm very tired and don't feel capable of sufficiently developing any of these, so I'll tell you something I've been wanting to share because I think it's funny and I haven't had another opportunity yet.

When I was a kid, my brother and I watched Raimi Spider-Man all the time - the first two, anyway, those were the ones we had on DVD. We even watched them before bed. Not because we were bored, but because they were so familiar we could fall asleep to them. They are some of the most beloved pieces of art in my life and I'm very glad for the place they have in my heart.

That being said. When I was a kid watching the first Spider-Man for the first time, I did not yet know that stunts were a thing. I thought Spider-Man and Green Goblin were actually beating the shit out of each other for the sake of making this film.

I also thought that Aunt May and Uncle Ben were married in real life and while I did not think they actually killed Uncle Ben, I DID assume they had actually shot him. Sometimes I would imagine a conversation between Aunt May and the filmmakers as they explained that they were going to have to seriously rough up her husband for art.

None of this was particularly alarming to me. I did think it was weird that they would do such a thing, making people beat each other up, but it brought me and my brother some of our favorite action scenes, so it wasn't all that important.

I did eventually learn, of course. By the time Spider-Man 2 came out I knew that actors didn't actually punch each other in the face or throw giant clock hands at each other. But that was how I lived my life and interacted with art for a time, assuming that Tobey Maguire was willingly getting bloodied up for my entertainment.

[runninguplenorahills]

Lenora you’re back!!!!!💕💞💕💞

How have you been?

Heyyyy✨🌞

I’ve been doing pretty great honestly. I got through my finals and I actually did quite well :)). I didn’t take the biology exam though because holy fuck I can’t even do simple math and we were supposed to do crazy equations, no calculators allowed💀. So yeah, didn’t study at all and woke up in a cold sweat like three days before the exam and quickly set myself on inactive because I would’ve definitely fucking flunked it. But English went great, got one of the best grades out of the entire course for my presentation I was sweating buckets over beforehand, linguistics went well as well and the rest was just pass or fail and fortunately I passed but I’m still waiting on a feedback for my pedagogy portfolio. Speaking of waiting, I spent weeks in February working on my art portfolio and applied for art school and I’m waiting for a response to that, too.

I also finally read “The song of Achilles” but it sadly didn’t earn its place next to my favorites, like, it was actually only three stars for me if I’m really honest. Currently I’m reading “Persuasion” (I’m about half way through) and that books actually pretty great but the first like 80 pages are just like, set up lmao. But after that it quickly gets better!!! I haven’t continued reading in a couple of days though which I should absolutely do soon because the new semester starts in two weeks and then idk how much time I’ll have to read. I’m actually taking British and American literature classes in the new semester which I’m pretty excited about!!!!

Oh boy, I also finally watched s5 of Miraculous and the alternate universe Paris special and the movie and bro, s5 was an absolute dumpster fire…. Actually fucking insane. But the Paris special was kinda entertaining lol, and I can’t lie…. the movie was pretty good. Like… it was honestly great hahahah. I also watched Cars btw! I have watched the first part before but never the rest and then my sister wanted to watch Cars so we did and yeah, Cars is amazing ofc. I also finally watched But I’m a Cheerleader which was all over the okays but it was funny and I loved the ending. I’m trying to remember what else I watched but I don’t remember anything else… hmmm… Oh!! Omg, I watched Christopher Robin and I didn’t not except that movie to be as good as it was. I was in genuine tears over fucking everything and yeah, very enjoyable. I also watched The Sixth Sense which was good, did not see the plot twist coming though, Like, spoiler! I literally remember thinking “oh.. so he survived I guess” when it says “next fall” like a fucking idiot 😭. I don’t think I watched any other movies though.

Wait, I also read the entirety of Jackson’s diary on webtoon and it was a fucking roller coaster.

Other than that I’ve been hanging a lot with my friends, especially those who moved to another city for university. There’s this café we always and in the past two weeks we’ve gone three times and you can borough games to play and we usually play scrabble which is always sm fun!

Oh and holy shit, I turned fucking 20!?!?! Absolutely batshit insane, I cannot believe it.

Also, I just kinda left tumblr very like, impulsively because I had finals coming up and thought it’d be distracting, but also, tumblr tends to suck the life out of me sometimes so I thought taking a break would be worth it either way. After finals where over I then had to work on my art portfolio and I have a huge procrastination problem so I stayed off tumblr because I knew it would make it worse and so I just left and didn’t reply to anyone, which, I’m sorry, I missed you and the other mutuals so much but I also don’t think that many people even noticed that I took a break in the first place. Anyway,I’ll probably dip when Uni starts again as well but I thought it’d be nice to catch up with y’all before that happens.

How have you been doing :))💓💗💓💗💓

[vampire-wizard-solidarity]

i’ve been watching a lot of patricia taxxon video essays and it’s been striking me just how much of analysis is like, completely out of line with the aesthetic experience of the actual piece.

it’s like when someone talks about breaking bad and goes “it’s crazy, the first season is basically comedy!” when it’s like. the entire show is a comedy. it has jokes, like a lot of them, and they’re funny, and clearly meant to be funny. even when shit hits the fan over and over it still is funny. arguably the jokes only stop in the latter half of season 5, i.e. it maintains huge elements of comedy up until the very end of its plot. and it’s not just background gags, either, a ton of plot important events and character work is framed through comedy. it is, very firmly, a tragicomedy. it’s kind of crazy how people overlook that.

and like, this happens with a ton of media! i’ve been getting back into bsd recently and people will provide so many analysis pieces about the characters and the themes etc etc, and yet everyone, in their analysis, fails to talk about the aesthetic experience of bsd. they talk about the plot points, the information provided etc, but they rarely talk about how that information is delivered. because, actually, bsd is camp as shit.

like, for example, people will write pages upon pages about dazai and his tragedy etc etc, but if you only read those you wouldn’t realize that he’s actually a very funny guy. he’s basically the closest bsd has to a comic relief! he provides comedy in most scenes he’s in, and often while other characters are only funny to the audience, like the characters are unaware that a comedic moment is taking place, dazai jokes and is amused in universe! comedy is very, very prevalent in his character.

and you could say “oh it’s just a facade” (a take i wholeheartedly disagree with), but 1. it is still something he does pretty much all the time, half his screen time is dedicated to a level of comedy, so how can you not talk about something that he does constantly in your character analysis and 2. he says multiple times he does it for his own amusement! he says he finds fun in making people think he’s weird, and dismissing that as a “facade” seems highly strange considering how big of a thing this is for his character. even in his more serious scenes, he’s consistently cracking jokes, often in contrast to the sometimes playing along but still serious tone of other characters.

and maybe you could argue people do mention this, by mentioning his detachment or his closed off nature or blah blah blah, but you can’t really address that aspect without mentioning the fact that it’s funny. it is. it just is, so in all those essays upon essays about his depression or whatever they fundamentally fail to mention the framing of the entire thing. bsd, like most media, is not a bullet point list of events, of plot points or disconnected lines. it is not an array of facts or summaries. it is all conveyed through certain lenses at certain parts of the story, and those lenses are the meaning. the medium is the message. it would be missing the forest for the trees to talk about dazai’s, say, attempts on himself without mentioning that most of the time he makes those attempts into a joke. they are comedic within their framing. that doesn’t mean they’re not serious or should be downplayed, mind you, it just means that we cannot just ask “what do these events within the story mean”, we have to consider “what do these events within the story mean by being presented this way”.

this happens a lot with comedy, too, i’ve noticed. people think the sad parts are the “real story” while the comedic scenes are “just meaningless entertainment”. something cannot be both funny and meaningful in some people’s eyes, and i think that’s just a great disservice to art in general! comedy, and things framed through a comedic lens, can be and are meaningful! the comedy doesn’t obfuscate the meaning. the comedy adds to the meaning.

anyway watch “art, furries and god” as well as “the autistic horror of don’t hug me i’m scared” by patricia taxxon

[o2studies]

༻`` 18 Jan 24 — Thursday

100 days of productivity 18/100

Had my very first work experience today at a dentist's and I did not want to leave even tho my back was practically breaking. I absolutely loved it! Yes I really almost passed out not 30mins of me being there but I didn't think others' blood would have that effect on me, still I'd love to come back. It was really interesting too, got to see how the cleanings done, an extraction, a few x-rays, 1st stage of a root canal! Plus the dentist and nurse I was shadowing were so so lovely and funny and great. They answered all my questions, sometimes talked me through and explained the procedures, encounters with patients, tools, uni application tips. It was truly an amazing experince.

Thing is that I haven't considered dentistry before and didn't think it would have appealed to me as much so I didn't take biology and I'd need it if I didn't want to study abroad and for an extra year (I really don't). I'll see what I can do and email the university if an AS could be accepted.

Anyone else been in this situation before? Realising you should've gone down a different path? (and listened to your parents when they were suggesting it at the start of the school year...) (help ;-;)

༻`` 19 Jan 24 — Friday

100 days of productivity 19/100

Studied a bit, finished my chemistry notes and have to start one's for physics. Will do its and maths' homework tomorrow. I started planning out a study timetable and it's both stressing me out and calming me. I have so much time but not enough. Either way I've really got to put more hours into this and people aren't joking when they say to start revising as soon as you start school, especially at A Levels.

Tomorrow:

Study chemistry 1.1-1.3

Study physics 1.1 + 2.1 table

Do a full past paper

work on art

[tiredelirium]

D.1

Sometimes I want to write about how I feel.

Sometimes I want others to read it.

But most of the time I don’t actually know if I even want anything at all.

I wonder if people I know talk about me when they’re bored or even just making conversation. If they’re mean about me. If they’re curious about me.

I’ve never been very good at interacting with others in the long term. Currently relationships don’t exist for me really. There’ve been times I’ve tried with friendships and partners, but it never seems honest or real.

One sided might seem too harsh.

I know others have tried to reach out, but I’m bad at accepting that hand.

Even now, its 2 AM on a Wednesday, oh though I guess that makes it Thursday now, and here I am writing thoughts out loud on a Tumblr as if i’m making any sense.

To anyone reading this, don’t start to get the wrong idea about what i’m doing with this. (You know who you are and how you think.) I’m just airing out the hollows of my mind and heart.

People (hopefully plural) talk to themselves all the time, in different ways. Maybe their mind races a mile a minute and the only way they can think clearly is to speak out loud. Maybe they speak so that they can better visualise their thoughts as they do so. Maybe its easier to find answers if you speak out loud.

So thats what this is.

Me speaking out loud.

I don’t have anything going for me, that’s the truth from my own perspective.

Self doubt. Body dysmorphia. Introversion. Disappointment. Sadness. Regret. It’s all there, buried beneath a smile i maintain for my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews. Something I’d never show them because it would worry them.

Its funny, I only really started to notice the fake smile I put on for others when I started work, which I was late to getting too. Most everyone would call that a fortune, not having to work for so long, but it stunted me I think. I mean, my lack of personal skills is clear as day to me anyway, though that could be the self doubt talking. Silences in communication drag on for so long. Others try to fill the void but all I can offer is an affirmation, a made up lie, or a smile that feels so fraudulent I want to down an entire beer just to see if that brings up something real. Inhibitions gone.

I don’t want to disappoint others, but trying feels false. And that leads to not trying at all. Which leads to relationships collapse, or a drift apart so long that no amount of bravery could see me reaching out to close that gap.

Around mid college, a foundation year, I started going out with a girl in my class. We were kinda forced together by other classmates we were close to, but it wouldn’t be a lie to say I liked her and I considered her a friend I got to know over a handful of months. We were into a lot of the same stuff, some bands, some games, some art. It made sense to try going out, but the first move was made when we were drunk. A kiss on a couch in a bar at 2AM with our friends watching us from around the corner.

Then university came. We went to different places, having already made decisions and had interviews long before we started dating. She asked me if I wanted us to keep dating, and I agreed. I liked her. It made sense, despite the distance between the places we’d go. And it was far.

University had its ups and downs, though I had far more downs. The course I chose was mostly because I had no interest in anything else and was uncertain. Art is subjective, it always will be, even if you produce something thats sympathetic to the masses doesn’t mean it’ll sell well or earn a living. My girlfriend was brilliant at art, and knew what she wanted to make. I was below average at best and though I had ideas nothing ever came out the way I intended it too.

Distance was hard. But it worked for us. We made time for eachother, perhaps too much time honestly. I don’t really know if she made any long lasting friends in her class outside of her flatmates. I know I didn’t, but thats a me condition I think. We visited each other during breaks, whether it was meeting up halfway or one of us visiting the other, it was always great to see her.

But.

I messed up.

After university, I struggled a lot with direction. My final grade was nowhere near good enough to guarantee any kind of role anywhere significant if I’d made connections. At the end of the day my lack of efforts weren’t even good enough to matter and I spent the majority of my second and third year playing catchup. I technically failed that course. Because of a single essay marked by someone who failed me by a single point and cost my entire second year grade. An essay i’d been told by the tutor who helped me write up and review it had said wouldn’t affect any final grade. I spent the first half of my third year making up that mistake with extra work and my third year work suffered for it.

I came home. So did she. And I spent some time looking for work. I applied for art-related jobs in our area at first. Screen printing, editing. But never got any responses back, because of how these processes go now and because they were scarce to begin with. I didn’t, and still don’t, believe I had the talent to be freelance in any way. It was disheartening and so I started to, little by little, reduce those aspirations.

She got a job within two months. A retail gig, but in a store she’d have a lot of knowledge on the products for. She could start saving. Meanwhile I was burning through the money I had left from university. By going so far away from home, my living grants were larger, and my third year place bad been significantly cheaper rent wise than my second year one, so I had about £500. After a year and a half that money was basically all gone. Spent on split-payment dates with my girlfriend, birthday presents for family, and stuff I just wanted.

And still I had no luck on job searching, to the point she didn’t believe I was looking. I sent out applications every week to different places. Got a video interview, a civil exam, and a slew of “we’re looking for other people” rejection emails.

I started giving up. I saw myself as a burden to this woman who could go and Do Things with the talent and work ethic she had.

Thats when I messed up.

My biggest regret, after five years together, I decided I needed to break up with her.

For weeks we’d started drifting apart, my own self doubt and inability to communicate properly at the fore. I messaged back less and less, and we’d arrange to meet up less. At first this was because I had no money left I could spend, but thats just an excuse. I loved her and I hurt her.

We broke up after she’d just got off work. I’d said we needed to talk and she’d intuited. She’d already mentioned a break up possibility not too long ago. But that might’ve been my mind making up another excuse. She asked me to bring some of her stuff from my parent’s place and I did.

We were in public, after I met her outside her work and we walked for a bit to a spot nearby. I wonder if passersby were curious what was going on when we sat down on a bench rarely used.

I lied.

I said I’d fallen out of love with her. Used little things from our past as fake reasons. Her lack of trust in me and any intentions toward other girls, because I was a guy from her point of view though that may have been grounded in something else. Her use of recreational drugs in the past multiple times without telling me, because i’d told her I wasn’t a fan of it.

I lied.

I still loved her.

But I couldn’t find work. And she wanted to move out of her parents place as soon as possible, and moving into my parents place wasn’t an option for her, and getting a place of our own wasn’t feasible without savings of any kind. I was an anchor who wanted to break the chain so the ship could go free.

Excuses.

I broke up with her and she got up and left with her things. I stayed for a second before standing up myself to leave. But then she came back, hugged me one last time. It was painfully tight. I didn’t cry, or protest. Because that would’ve given my lies away. I just accepted and reciprocated, and then she was gone.

I don’t doubt she cried on the way home and maybe through the night. Maybe she was mean about me. Maybe she was curious. Maybe she didn’t care at all.

I didn’t cry when we broke up, because I was in the wrong. She messaged me, maybe a few days after, asking if she was still allowed to talk to me. I couldn’t respond. Didn’t know how. Didn’t want to keep hurting her.

I cried later, when she thought I hated her.

Feelings are complicated and painful, and I hope if you read this up to now, yours aren’t too hard to bear. I know it hurts. My heart still aches in the quiet of every night. I hope you can find comfort in the words that you’ll be alright.

And I’m sorry.